Diversity Colored Glasses.
My colleagues were already seated when I arrived at the bakery. One immediately commented on the chilly temps, so I thought it unwise to suggest sitting outside. I opted to push another small table against their 4-top to give myself a little more space. I kept my mask on, despite being the only masked person in sight.
The meeting content put me a little on edge, but my reactions felt overblown. When I got home I realized that the need to stay hyper-COVID-vigilant combined with tense conversation to create unusually high defensiveness. I told my mom, “I feel like I’m holding space for everyone. I’m constantly gauging my direct-reports’ comfort and ensuring they feel psychologically safe, but no one is doing the same for me. I just want to feel safe and seen!” She responded with, “Hmm, that seems like a theme in your life.”
She’s right of course. Everything these days triggers emotions of “you totally get me!” or the polar opposite. At work, decisions about masking feel like decisions about whose boundaries are valued, and whose are not. At home I find myself forcing exaggerated sighs while I sort the Nth load of laundry, as if to say, “do you see this?!”. When M takes up the ENTIRE garage with his wood shop, motorcycle, car, and hap-hazard stroller placement, I feel like he’s manspreading. For flips sake, surely my ONE car is entitled to a space in our THREE car garage!! Even M choosing Indian take-out (which he knows I dislike) feels like intentional exclusion - like he’s devaluing my dietary needs.
It’s as if someone has finally lifted the veil, and now ALL I see are signs of hierarchy, misogyny, privilege, white obliviousness, etcetera. I’m seeing the 36 years of bullsh*t that I served and swallowed, and now I’m nauseous all the time. M and I have started referring to this as my “diversity colored glasses”. It’s not right or wrong; it’s a particular filter that colors how I perceive the world. The problem is, I’m struggling to take the glasses off. Of course those layers of societal conditioning DO color all our behavior, but sometimes M just wants Indian food for dinner. Isn’t he allowed to have what he wants too?
