Stepping Stones.

Patterned. Repeated. Experiences.

Our neural networks are built largely (though not exclusively) on patterned-repeated-experiences. We are hardwired to pick up patterns. And repeated exposure to those patterns causes them to entrench, or deepen, making it harder and harder to deviate. Like a well-worn dirt path, entrenched pathways are easier to follow. We see signs of a familiar pattern, start down that pathway, and follow it to the end.

But what if the entrenched pathway isn’t leading you where you want to go? How do you change directions?

This is exactly what M and I have been navigating for YEARS. To say that we “started down the wrong path” would be a major understatement. Our relationship went from bliss to dysfunction the month we got engaged. All of a sudden we were tripping over triggers and setting off completely hidden landmines. We were teaching one another that difference was dangerous and disagreement meant dissolution.

It felt like we fell into a deep dark pit of despair, and we didn’t know how to get out. Looking back, I wonder if we did fall - and that pit was a set of entrenched neural pathways. We settled deeper into familiar roles every time we fought. M exploded and then avoided. I panicked and went into fix-it mode. Every controversy felt earth shattering.

I now realize that those roles weren’t assigned when we met. M and I were well-rehearsed long before 2012. I won’t speak for M, but I can clearly see the connection between my childhood and my “fix-it at all costs” approach to conflict. I have been the designated peacemaker for as long as I can remember.

So now what? M and I have grown a lot since those early years. We’ve worked through those triggers alone and together. Theoretically the last decade should have shown me that M isn’t going anywhere, that disagreement doesn’t equate to dissolution, but it’s not that simple. Those entrenched pathways are still there, beckoning us to familiar painful patterns. That’s when our therapist reminds us of the power in patterned-repeated-experiences.

Every time we shrug off our disagreements, every time we hug-it-out, every time we make space for BOTH our needs, we build another step out of our trenches. The steps feel small, sometimes even microscopic. It feels like we should be out already. I try to remind myself that it took DECADES to build these trenches.

And then I turn around, and I see all those stepping stones behind us… and I am SO FREAKING PROUD. Our relationship has never been easy. We had to build this love stone after intentional stone. And we will have to keep building it. But damn if our love isn’t beautiful… if our affection isn’t authentic… if our family isn’t my DREAM COME TRUE.