The Dress.

I did a strange thing today. I’ve done this thing before, almost exactly 10 years ago. 

The first time I was so nervous. Sure, some of those nerves were expected. Would I find one that compliments my body and spirit? Am I going to indeed feel like a bride? But some of those nerves ran deeper. Back then if you would have made me an honest bet- 10 years married or 1 year divorced- the smart money would have been on the latter. 

Everything about our engagement was fraught. It wasn’t that we couldn’t agree on wedding venues or guest lists. Our discord was a sign of deeper wounds, scabbed over but boiling just beneath the surface. 

We weren’t ready 10 years ago. Momentum brought us to the altar. We took our vows as aspirations, hopes of what could be. For years we teetered on the brink of separation, unwilling to part-from or lean-in to each other. Eventually we deemed our union “good enough” to start a family, only to learn how fragile it was. Parenthood ripped open those old wounds, and poured on the acid of exhaustion.

So many times we could have- or even should have- thrown in the towel. But we didn’t. We sought help. And when the first therapist broke our trust, we found a second. And when we didn’t see progress with the second, we found a third. We kept showing up and learning how to love each other. We learned so much that we earned our security, trust, and acceptance.

And now we’ve earned this vow renewal.

Today I stepped onto that fitting-room pedestal with pride. Gone was the nervous bride. Here instead was a steady partner and mother, ready to celebrate the loving family we created.