The Outsider.
“Think of a time when you felt like an outsider. How does that experience shape your interactions today?”
I got to pilot this question in a recent round of interviews. My intent was to elicit memories of vulnerability that lead to empathy. I anticipated that people would share a range of experiences. For some, the term “outsider” elicits memories related to race or gender. Others might recall more micro experiences, like cliques in middle-school. Inevitably some people will have deeper wells to draw from. But I did not anticipate that several people couldn’t think of a SINGLE example! I honestly can’t even imagine.
Frankly, I can hardly think of a stretch when I didn’t feel like an outsider. I feel like an outsider at block parties when I’m not in on the neighborhood gossip. I feel like an outsider at Jewish ceremonies where I don’t know the rituals. I even feel like an outsider at extended family gatherings when I feel pressure to put on a smile and act “fine”.
At first I thought this was a cultural thing. Of course I have strong associations with being an outsider… I’m literally from outside these borders. And even when we were inside our native land, Jews were always labeled as outsiders in Russia.
But then I reviewed my lived experiences of outsiderness. Sure, I’ve had many typical immigrant experiences like having a lunch that looks and smells different from the other kids. But those aren’t the first set of experiences that come to mind. My most immediate answers are more intimate. Like eating alone in middle school. Or conversations abruptly stalling when I walked into the lab at grad school. My most salient experiences had more to do with me than my identity.
I’ve never separated those two concepts before. I always thought I was born an outsider, I became an immigrant, and voila - I wasn’t destined to fit-in. But now I’m wondering if that feeling is more about who I am on a deeper level… the awkward kid, the highly sensitive person, the introspective introvert. As usual, the answer is probably some version of “both, and”, but the exploration feels valuable.
I don’t regret my outsiderness. Those experiences have shaped my empathy, my ability to see other perspectives, and my sensitivity to ingroup-outgroup dynamics. But it is rather jarring to wonder… is it actually just me?
