Are We Gaslighting Our Kids?
I’ve come to understand “gaslighting” to mean convincing someone that their perceived experience is wholly inaccurate. Effective gaslighting can make someone doubt themselves, their intuition, and even their sensations. We’ve all seen this term applied to structures steeped in abuse and/or patriarchy… but what about parenting? Is it possible that some well-intentioned parenting maneuvers are effectively gaslighting our kids?
A couple weeks ago I stopped by a flu-shot clinic during the after-school rush. I found myself in line with three families, all of us about to get publicly vaccinated. Despite all the poking and prodding of two pregnancies, I’m not great with needles. I have a little coping routine that helps, but it doesn’t eliminate the discomfort. Sure, they’re quick, and obviously worth it, but shots hurt - period. We all know this to be true, and yet I witnessed the following.
Mom: “Come on, it’s your turn.”
Kid (9ish): “No, I don’t want to!”
Mom: “Are you kidding me, COME ON, it’s nothing, I don’t have time for this.”
Kid (9ish): “NO, you can’t make me!”
Mom: “Are you freakin’ kidding me!” She turns to us onlookers and pretends to pull her hair out.
The next family included a dad with two kiddos. The dad went first. When the kids asked whether it hurt, he answered, “no, it’s just a quick pinch”. His daughter went next. She screeched as tears dripped onto her mask. Dad responded with, “you’re okay, see, that’s it.”
At this point I had to step outside. The empath in me cannot watch others in pain (especially children) without a queasy reaction. When I re-entered, I noticed that the mom had convinced her kid to sit facing the vaccination chair so they could “see that it doesn’t hurt.”
I thought about these families all evening. I imagined a scenario where I said something to the mom like … “This is SO hard. I’m sure my kid would be protesting too. For whatever reason, sometimes these conversations go better with a stranger. I’m a developmental psychologist, do you mind if I give it a shot?”
The truth is, J would absolutely be kicking and screaming if she had received the same “pep-talk” I overheard. She’s had enough shots to be wary. If I met her trepidation with invalidation, OF COURSE we’d have a full-on melt-down. The poor kid would have to deal with her fear + the shame of feeling afraid (when apparently there’s nothing to fear) + reconciling her memory of pain with Mom’s assertion that “it’s nothing.” And voila - now this looks frighteningly similar to gaslighting.
One important distinction: I wholeheartedly believe these parents weren’t trying to invalidate their kids’ realities. If asked, I’m sure they’d say these “little white lies” were intended to make the experience easier. But does this strategy actually work? Maybe for some kids it’s helpful; I’m certainly not claiming a universal parenting truth. All I’m asserting is that for J, this behavior would undermine her trust in herself and in me.
J got her first COVID vaccine today [insert CELEBRATION here]. Yesterday afternoon I sat her down for some forecasting. We walked through everything from the time I would pick her up, to what snack she could have in the car, the alcohol wipe, and the poke itself. She had a couple moments of worry throughout the evening, and each time we told her that yes - it would hurt - but it would be quick. When the time came, J walked in willingly, and danced out 5 minutes later.
